Peer Review 4-26-11

amie

Dinosaurs  was an interesting piece of writing, it would go great in a short story book somewhere. Very cute and clever, an effective method of storytelling. Coachillin’ was very well written as well. I want to go! It was interesting how you started on such a low note and then switched it up by the end. This makes for interesting reading, everyone likes a happy ending.

Kayla

Even I Have Them was a beautifully crafted submission. You have an incredible ability to tell stories and you use the language very effectively. All Conquers Love was a very nice piece of writing as well. I enjoyed the way you used the spacing between the dialogues to control the flow of the story. This method seems to force me to concentrate more on the dialogue because the spacing slows me down and I read more completely what is being said.

Kimberly

Childhood Wants was a very well written narration. I like the way the pictures and short paragraphs break up the story and also lend such great detail to what is being described. The message is a very heartwarming story as well and who doesn’t like some of that every once in a while. I read Prompt 50 several times and still think somehow I just read an advertisement. Here we go again with the “graphic novel” I will hold my tongue today on the ridiculousness of comics, in fact I won’t even mention their childishness. I won’t say any of these things because I did like this submission because the characters were funny looking and they made me smile. Good jobJ

wOULD HAVE BEEN COOLER WITH PICTURES

I found love for all, ultimate serenity, actually felt the touch of God, god reached out a helping hand to get me back in the right hole. This woman is a saint. , shes a caregiver saving lives daily at Banner Health. She cooks she cleans, she folds all of the whites and never loses a sock! We immediately moved in together and started a real grown up type life. We bought two beautiful puppies and one fat lazy cat and boom we were a family, we had children to care for. She took the engagement ring and said yes. This one, This one, I will grow old and die with this woman. We will always be perfect and happy! I will trust her and her judgment absolutely, she loves me and has never a bad intention towards me. Trust is the single most important thing in a relationship, and I trust her ABSOUTELY, it feels so good

THIS SPACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FILLED WITH PICTURES THAT i COULD NOT MAKE PASTE, MY APOLOGIES i THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN COOL BUT ITS ALREADY 12:15 SO I GIVE UP:)

But she lied. She was seeing him while wearing my ring. No more love, house, pets, clean laundry; I burned that whole place to the ground. My once beloved and him are making a lot of noise in the trunk of my cay. Might be uncomfortable laying on top of that shovel, axe, duct tape….oh ye the cutting torch set. There will be no more lies tonight. I will learn from her pain and find a better victim, I mean girlfriend next week. Hold on tight you cheating cunt this ride to the remote desert will definitely be bumpy!

Peer Review 4-19-11

Jamie

“Instant Classic” was a very entertaining and well written piece. You could have added more to it but that would be unnecessary it is very effective just the way it’s written. This is not a story that requires a lot of details because the subject is very simple and you did a good job of getting to the point, the humorous point, that you quit in an interesting and original manner. The title worked well to tie the piece together. Great job.  Your writing on graphic novels was very good also. You presented your opinions and facts in a very organized and easy to read and follow manner and were quite thorough in your analysis. I wouldn’t change a thing except your opinion, because I don’t like graphic memoirs which means that you shouldn’t care for them AT ALL because you should be agreeing with me cause it’s all about me. Right? Great job this weekJ

Kayla

Your writing in the “graphic Novels and Memoirs” was amazing. You presented your views in a very effective manner and perfectly achieved the requirements of the prompt. “Orange Baseball” is a great title for that story. You conveyed not only the story but some of the feelings and emotions tied into the event. Your use of pictures tied the whole thing together and did a great job of supplying detail and helped the reader to understand and picture the events happening. Great writing this week as usual.

Kimberly

OK so I read your graphic novels piece and I’m not offended on a personal level, even though I’ve never been called “highbrow” before. I’m just using this space to comment on the writing from a professional peer perspective, a perspective that only disagrees with your perspective because you are wrong. That being said your writing skills and illustrations were very effective in conveying your opinion and argument which again just to remind you are totally wrong. The use of the dictionary description was useful and was a good idea and it would have been very effective in supporting your writing and opinion if your opinion had not been totally wrong. Now please do not be offended at the fact I’m starting an argument with you in a format where you cannot respond, I only do this because it makes it easier to win this particular argument. It would be more difficult to tell you you are all wrong about the graphic novel if you were able to rapidly disagree with me so believe me that I do get great personal satisfaction in telling you, in this format, that you are just completely wrong. Your writing, brilliant, your opinion and conclusion, just wrong. (Please do not be offended, I’m really just messing with you, thanks for the opportunity to make myself laugh)  “Boring Job” was a very powerful writing. I loved your descriptions of the people involved; you are very talented at these descriptions. The story sucked me in and then surprised me at the end; this is exactly what most people want in a story. Great job on this one, especially the descriptions this week, I feel like I know these people from your writing, that’s awesome.

Prompt #49 It most assuredly takes up a particuler spot in space

Upon reviewing the excerpts mentioned in writing prompt 49 I extrapolated the following conclusions.

Text:

I found the storyline in both of these writings to be fairly interesting and easy to follow and grasp for myself and the average excerpt reading American. They were relevant to the situation exhibited and conveyed intent to be written by the writer, this is assuming of course there was in fact a writer to construct these particular word structures that I have just reviewed. I did not care for the font that these particular word structures that were written by the writers , used. If I were the determining individual whose monetary and prestige indices were summarily decided upon primarily by their net yearly monetary income, then I would personally and professionally determine not the aforementioned font but would assuredly have better than a %99 mathematical chance of determining a more typeset type serif font to convey the previously intended product that would ensure my continued predetermined and decidedly best monetary interest.

Graphics:

I was quite simply easily enthralled by the amazing  gift of the particular individuals who performed the labor and the intensely vital task  of conveying the true essence of what is to me a spot taken up, a void filled in an immensely and ever-growing scientific phenomena all of us whom rely on to supply the life giving air that we breathe, sunshine that we feel on our amazing  glorious skin and the clean hydrogen based structure that we utilize to remove all the heat from and freeze into the frozen  structures that some individuals refer to as ice cubes and enjoy  in their own particular brand of liquid refreshment or frozen concoction. I also immensely particularly enjoyed the colors utilized in the illustration section of these excerpts. The fantastic contrast of the black and white, that really is pretty dam special.

In general I John Smith do hereby swear that the graphic novel or “comic book” is not my favorite method of writing excerpts.  It does work well for advertising pricks who are taking over this country and sending all the work to China. Those aforementioned pricks do a much better job at creating graphics and text than the two authors that I referred previously and are found in writers Prompt 49. There was humor in the stories that I liked and would possibly like to emulate in my writing someday.

Prompt #45 The Boring Job

Working at Exhibits Southwest the last thing you want to be is under the influence of mind altering substances. The work involves every power tool you can imagine being utilized in a custom woodworking shop, every piece of equipment that is used there as part of your daily task list will literally remove body parts in an extremely short period of time if the operator loses concentration or just makes a simple mistake. You see, every one of these machines comes with a slew of safety features and guards all of which have been removed in an effort to make them faster and easier to use. Some have even been rewired to bypass the automatic shutdown feature that was included that would render the equipment inoperable if the safety guards were removed. For example the blade guard on the chop saw, this particular saw has a 10 inch blade that is designed to very rapidly cut through wood up to 12 inches wide. The guard has been removed because without it you can literally cut through wood as fast as you can lever the blade up and down, approximately 40 times per minute. You get on this saw and chop long pieces of wood, or non-ferrous metal, into short pieces of wood, or non-ferrous metal, at a very rapid pace. This is a production shop and the more you produce the more you get paid. With the blade guard in place the production number drops to around 15 pieces per minute, the math and the point here are very simple.

The table saw, perhaps the most dangerous and notorious saw for removing fingers, also has a blade guard, or I guess it did when it was first bought, but it is long gone now. This saw cuts sheet goods, 4x8 sheets of plywood, MDF etc. It will cut through ¾ inch material pretty much as fast as you can feed it into the blade. Now I have been talking about wood and metal up to this point but take a second to ponder if you will, if these blades can cut through hard woods as fast as the operator can move them then you must realize that they would cut through human flesh and bone just as easily. And these are just two of the machines in a shop full of machines. Now if you were going to be operating this type of equipment all day long every day with no safety guards in place you would probable want to be as clear headed as possible and paying very close attention to what you were doing. You might possibly want to call OSHA at some point and report that this place was in violation and people’s safety was being put at risk.

You might, but you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t because the only reason people work at places like this, the only reason some people are attracted to this kind of work environment(besides a pretty good paycheck) is that because at this place as long as you are producing and making money for the company you can do pretty much whatever you want. And what the whole crew I worked with wanted was to get as high as motherfucking possible. We were a very close knit group who spent our work hours working together and our off duty hours sitting at the pub talking mostly about work. Out of the 9 of us at least 4(myself included) were pretty much geniuses and during those pub hours we came up with ways to get more work done in less time and therefor more money in our pockets.

So we showed up most mornings for work still drunk from the many shots consumed the night before. We smoked weed openly at all times and did just about every other mind altering substance known to man at one time or other and as often as possible. To be honest all of us were pretty much wrecked near out of our minds every single day. We would have gotten DUI’s for driving but man did we get a lot of work done. During my 1.5 years there no one lost a finger to the saws or was injured more than a Band-Aid could handle. Even the unskilled labor was pulling in around $800 a week (did I mention we didn’t pay taxes either). It was the stupidest most irresponsible immature work experience I’ve ever had and I still look back on it longingly and sometimes refer to it as “the good old days”. I don’t know if you have ever done “magic mushrooms” but the real question is, have you ever operated a table router on “magic mushrooms”. If you haven’t I would probably suggest that you never try, probably suggest. If you are one of us, one of the few the proud the twisted, then man you got to try that.

Peer Review 4-12-11

Jamie

“Injustice” was a very good writing with a great subject. You did a good job of describing the scene and I felt the frustration of the observer and the young man. My only advice would be to possibly play up the discrimination angle a little more. Not that the kid was black but that he was targeted. You used some narration and sarcasm to achieve this well but I feel it could be played up a little more to evoke more emotion in the reader.  No complaints at all about “Differences” you did a great job with the writing and with following the prompt instructions about keeping yourself out of the story. Nice job and entertaining as well.

Kayla

“Invisible Gag” was a very powerful writing. The spacing was effective to separate the separate characters. Sad subject but great writing. “Pure Intelligence” was great for the effective writing style and the subject matter. Once again I cannot find anything to suggest to improve on in your writing, and I’m not just being lazy you are really good. I think you are out of my league and I thoroughly enjoy your stories.

Kimberly

That is awesome, I was thinking about peer reviews last week after I submitted them and I finally came up with a complaint about yours, they are too damn long! I am just kidding of course (you seem like the type of person who would not be offended by a little razzing). And the first thing I read this week is an apology up front that this is going to be a long writing! Long but well worth the time, both of your pieces last week were incredibly well written. You choose subjects that you know about and seem to be passionate about and it works well. Y you use excellent descriptions and adjectives (I think that’s what they are called) and I enjoy reading everything you write. What to complain about? I don’t know, and I mean that I’m not just taking the easy way out. Maybe break the mold and write about something a little lighter, put in some humor, I know you have used humor in the past but I’m thinking about a whole piece that is just silly or off the wall, just something different from your usual style. Wait a minute comics and star trek ARE sillyJ Just kidding again of course, PLEASE don’t be offended. Great job last week

Prompt #43 Injustice

He is just an 11 year old boy trying to do the right thing. He knows that when he comes home with his homework already completed dad will be happy and will tell him “great job, I’m proud of you son”. That is why he is sitting here now, on the curb, in the school parking lot, after school, trying so hard to hurry through his homework so he will have it completed before he goes home to see dear old dad.

            Homework has been an issue for this sweet kid all year. Why do they pile on so much mundane practice work every single day that reviews the concepts he has spent all day diligently learning? He sees all of the grown-ups come home from their days work and they don’t have to spend another hour doing more work. He gets up early every morning just like they do. He works hard all day long at his job for 7 hours, 7 straight hours, that is a lot of work for a kid. And then this, more work when he goes home at night. Dad gets off work and he gets to drink beer and watch T.V. Mom comes home and gets to go on facebook. He goes home and he gets to do homework?

            So here he sits, just trying to get it done before he gets home, he is so close. One more page of math problems and he can clock out for his day. He can get a “good job” and a pat on the back then he is free to go play. Damn wind keeps blowing his paper while he tries to balance it on his knees, just a small boy sitting on a curb trying to do the right thing.

            “What the hell are you doing” dad says in his mean voice. “School has been out for 20 minutes, why aren’t you home, make me walk all the way up here looking for you”. “Been hanging out playing with your friends haven’t you, you know its homework first”. “Get up right now and get your ass home”.

            His face flushes with embarrassment and his heart rate increases. He was so close and just got wrapped up in what he was doing, his goddam homework. “I was just trying to finish my homework before I got home so it would make you happy dad” he stammers as he tries to get his books and papers into his backpack.

            “I don’t care; you are supposed to come straight home after school. All you want to do is play with those friends of yours. You know homework comes first before you go play”.

            “But I was trying to do my homework before I got home “ tears are now forming in his eyes and he realizes he has done something wrong, or at least wrong in dad’s eyes. It’s the fucking homework. The homework, he will never get it all right or done fast enough or done at the right table or done neat enough. He was just trying to get it done the easy way today and here we go again with the trouble. The homework, the fucking homework, he wishes he could just get his dads job.

Prompt #42 Staying out of the way

Prompt 42 Staying out of the way

There is a back door entrance to the Banner Health building in Scottsdale. Once inside, if you can prove your worthiness for entrance, the employees will confiscate all of your clothing and valuables, cellphones and shoes included. You will be issued scrubs to wear and those socks with the little treads on them that makes them almost like slippers. You will then be ushered into a room full of recliners to begin your long wait for admittance into the psych ward.

The inhabitants of the loony bin are probably not what you would expect. The majority, but certainly not all, do not drool or scream incessantly. They do not talk to unseen things or constantly duck swooping birds that do not exist. No, most are just normal looking, normal seeming people who are having a difficult time dealing with this life and the many stressors and expectations that are placed upon them. Most, but not all, just need a little help, and they have found a great place to get some.

The blonde haired lady, that sweet mother of three, she doesn’t want to die. She swallowed all of those pills in a cry for help, she took enough Ambien to kill three elephants but she dialed 911 shortly thereafter. She didn’t want to die but she didn’t know how to keep on living with the pain that she kept inside. The kind and gentle souls who work here, the technicians, the nurses, the social workers and the doctors, they will help her. They will counsel her and help her to expel some of the grief and hopelessness that she carries inside every single day. They will provide medication that will not numb her or make her a zombie but will help the chemicals in her brain to help her live a healthier and happier life.

The guy with the beard, the one that flirts with all of the nurses whether they be age 20 or 65. He suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. He has found help here too. He was referred, or forced, into this ward by a law enforcement agency. Without the help of these people and this place and an intensive after care plan to support him after he is released he would simply not be able to function in the normal world. In the olden days he would have been locked in a padded room or tied down and given electroshock therapy. But thanks to the miracles of modern medicine he has found the right combination of medication and therapy that will allow him not only to function in life but possibly flourish.

The lady in the wheelchair, the one that has such a sweet and peaceful aura making the bandages on her wrists seem so grotesque and out of place, she has her share of problems too. A friend just happened to stop by that day at the right time to call the cavalry and save her sweet life.  It is not anything that she has directly done that makes her life so completely horrible, so unbearably difficult. It is her 15 year old daughter that causes her so much pain that she thought she could no longer bear it. It is her daughter who spends her nights selling her body so that she can spend her days shooting crystal meth into her veins, she is the reason that this lady is here. How can the doctors help her? What medication or after care plan can carry this sweet soul through the following days, weeks, years of pain that her daughter, her precious little baby, causes her. What about her? Who can help her? Unfortunately this hospital, this life altering and lifesaving place, deals with numbers. They have insurance companies and accountants screaming to get them stabilized and get them out, there is money to be made. The lady, she likes this policy. It is obvious in the way her eyes constantly look towards the door, obvious in the tremor in her voice when she says she is fine and ready to be released. That lady just wants to get out of here. She wants to get out of here right fucking now so she can finish what she started.

Peer Review 4-5-11

Jamie

I enjoyed your use of Santa Clause as a subject for A Christmas Story, very creative and well written. I love the way this is written, the method of using questions to introduce a subject and then answering them. I’m pretty sure I have complimented you on this before but it works well and is very effective. What was also very effective was your use of quoting another person in “Learning by Doing”. This was another quality piece, you were able to relate your experience and imply your questions about the job primarily using dialogue from another person. The only thing I might suggest (and this is because I must suggest something) is that you expand the Learning piece a little more. Possibly tell how the position turned out for you, maybe include a situation where your training came back to help you further in the future. Hell I don’t know, great job.

Kayla

“Borrowed passion” was a very powerful piece. Your use of another’s words to convey a story was very effective and worked well for this writing. You took me on a journey with this writing and also explained why you are such a better writer than I, you’re like a professional and stuffJ And “Memory Cognition Expert” was awesome. If this is not at least a semi-true story you have one heck of an imagination. I cannot find a thing to suggest to improve your writing, I know it is my job as a peer to make suggestions that might help but in my opinion your writing is flawless.

Kimberly

Wow prompt 34, you obviously type better than I do and don’t sit down to do your writing at 9 o’clock on the day its dueJ I liked the way you took the time to give a detailed explanation and intro into the interview before you jump right in. In prompt 37 I again really like your use of pictures to supplement your writing. You conveyed your position on the women’s rights issue very well by subtly inserting your opinions without actually saying them. This is a very …..what’s the word..important piece of writing? You put into words a vague idea that I ponder sometimes and I very much enjoyed reading what you had to write about it. This writing stirs emotion and calls readers to action while at the same time giving a feeling of hopelessness. My suggestions to you and your writing? Keep up the great work; your passion for your subjects definitely shines through.

Prompt #37

Tyler Perry has earned notoriety in multiple countries around the world and accumulated vast millions of dollars with his depictions of himself dressed as an overweight mad black woman. While I have never actually seen one of his plays or movies in their entirety I have been subjected to the advertisements and reviews of his brand of entertainment. The shows center around the Black Family genre of PG rated entertainment and are enjoyed by large audiences compromised chiefly of black children and black mothers. This dempgraphic claims to find Tyler Perry and his brand of genius just that; genius. To these audiences nothing is more family entertaining than a 6ft 2in man stuffed into a fat suit and then clothed and made up to appear to be a woman. In the original show that started this craze Tyler played the part as a Mad Black Woman. He has since expanded his repetorie to include a Nice Black Woman as well.

Many others, myself included, Find Tyler Perry and his Christianity based family comedy to be quite frankly ludicrous. Even forgetting the fact that the idea is unoriginal as it was already pulled off by Martin Lawrence in Big Mammas House before Tyler Perry hit the scene. Watching Martin Lawrence bounce around in a fat black woman suit with Paul Giamitti playing the supporting role was slightly humorous because there was no underlying argument for Christianity. When Perry tries the same gag later but is adamant about including those cute little christianityisms in his stories what comes out is not entertaining, it is in a word offensive.

Week 11 Peer Review

Week 11 Peer Reviews

Jamie

Great job on the lead in paragraph that eventually leads to the revelation that we will be in a cemetery. It was drawn out perfectly to build interest in the piece.

In the Bus Ride writings I noticed a lot more of the psychological components of the characters than I did the actual writing style. Great job on both writings.

Kayla

I thoroughly enjoyed the excellent descriptions included in your posts this week. I had a difficult time identifying with the writings and characters in all three of your posts this week but was amazed by the beauty and style you used throughout writing them.

Kimberly

I particularly like the way you intro your stories, the backstory approach provides very helpful insight to the story I am about to read. Excellent work. You used concepts and ideas that can be related to by almost anyone and the beautiful and eloquent style of writing makes for great reading.

Prompt 34 Interview

In an attempt to discover the methodology, the long guarded secret reasoning, the science behind how all of these beautiful women in the Phoenix Metropolitan area determine which man to share all of themselves with I conducted an interview with my own beautiful one and recorded her answers to a series of questions that I as the interviewer determined would provide the most insight in the shortest time available. In the following paragraphs I will share the questions and answers as well as the conclusion I extrapolated from the aforementioned answers.

Question: Stacie Autrey, what do you look for in a man and why?

Answer: sexual attraction and how he interacts with others

Question: Is this sexual attraction you are looking for a function based on your most basic animal desires for a strong and perfect male specimen to be utilized for reproductive purposes or is it simply a quest for carnal pleasure?

Answer: I am looking for a connection that leads to great sex, kids are out of the question, you know that John

Question: Does having these purely sexual relationships create inner conflict with your natural maternal “nesting” instinct?

Answer: No

Question: You have not yet found that relationship where you have been willing to “settle for life” how do you know when it is time to move on from your current man?

Answer: When the intimacy is gone, when we start treating each other like roommates I’m out.

Question: When you go “on the hunt” for a new man how do you attract them?

Answer: With my eyes, the looks I give them

Question: Do you think that beautiful cleavage you have on display right now might have something to do with attracting potential mates?

Answer: Of course sweetie, that’s how I got your attention!

As the interviewer and originator of this particular unscientific study I was able to make the following conclusions about how women attract their mates and how they pick the winners. Yes I can judge an entire regions inhabitants just by interviewing a single sample, and I am the one writing this article so you know what that means right, My opinion rules.

I conclude from the above statements that all women (ok I digress, not all women, maybe just the women I attract or find attractive) are seeking purely sexual relationships with the “hottest” man they can find. These women will go to extreme lengths to get what they want including but not limited to; spending hours on hair, makeup and nails and the great monetary expenses that come with these beauty modifications, exposing or accentuating the parts of their bodies that they think men might find most attractive, including but not limited to their breasts and buttocks, and finally using sexy and seductive stares and eyelash batting to lure the men in.

Final Conclusion: If a woman wants a man for sexual pleasure, we men don’t stand a chance of resisting.

Writing Prompt 33 Unsual Place

The first most outstanding thing that I notice is the quiet of the place. After almost a year in Sheriff Joe’s shithole of a jail, the constant clanging of doors, loudspeaker notifications and general overpowering racket of 90 men in a concrete and steel dorm, the silence is a welcome oasis of joy. The official title of this place is the Arizona State Prison Complex, Douglas, Mojave Unit. I now call it home. One would think that a person would not be even O.K. upon entering a prison yard, I am actually quite happy. Happy because this is such a better cage to be in than where I spent the last 11.5 months. You see I am not really your typical convict type, I’m well educated, financially stably, generally responsible and a kind person but in a state that is big on mandatory minimum sentences for minor drug offenses I end up spending way too much time behind bars. I also have an attempted escape charge on my record stemming from a drunken incident in a Gilbert Sheriff Substation in which I almost walked away from a sheriff’s officer. I didn’t escape shit, I wasn’t even in handcuffs much less a cell but I was charged with it and it is that little mark on my file that has ended me up on this particular medium security controlled movement yard. It is that charge that I was never convicted of that has me now locked down 23 hours a day and cohabitating with some serious convicts who are serving time for everything up to life sentences for murder.

I told you all that to tell you this, after you get past the fact that you have lost every single person, possession and shred of dignity in your life and you are going to spend the next few years locked up in a violent environment with little or no personal freedom… well Douglas is going to be an ok place to be. The difference in being in here as opposed to the lower security level yards is that in here with the lifers there is a better quality of convict living, and it all starts with the silence. This most basic extravagance that I found so unexpected is necessary and vital simply because this is such a potentially violent environment. The residents here have necessarily been transformed into their most basic animal state struggling daily to get their needs met. There are murders here, there are shanks hidden under lockers, there are men walking around in packs whose specific job in this world is to inflict bodily harm on those who break the convict rules. And it makes the quality of life quite surprisingly good. Because the price to be paid is so extreme for any and all infractions, for any hint of disrespect for your fellow sufferers, most people most of the time treat each other and the environment with a level of care and respect I have not witnessed anywhere else in the world.

In this world, my new reality, there is no urine on the toilet seat. There is no toothpaste or whiskers in the bathroom sink. There are 16 men living in an area about the size of an average fast food dining area and I am not subjected to listening to another’s choice of music or television program. Headphones are utilized and the volume is kept at a minimal level. There is no trash on the floor, on the sidewalks, anywhere but in the trash can. When gaseous bodily functions are passes they are done with ones buttocks securely sealed onto the toilet and flushed immediately or they are shunted to the outdoors through a window. If a popular sporting event is scheduled like the super bowl or the World Series permission is gathered form all who might be affected before a semi noisy party is thrown. Beds are made and personal areas kept tidy because others don’t want to have to look at your mess or dirty laundry. Care is made and thought goes into every action because in these close quarters everything you do affects those around you. Casual conversations are carried out in low voices, the quietest you can speak without falling into a whisper.  People are going through serious things here, they have been removed from their ability to live life, they must sit back and observe and do their best to try to deal with what is happening because they have lost control of their lives. Wives are sending divorce papers in the mail, parents and children are passing away and these men are locked in a cage helpless to do anything about these outside events. You might catch the wrong convict in the wrong mood after an unpleasant phone call home and he might just be looking for an excuse to vent his barely controlled rage about something like say, his girlfriend is turning tricks for drug money while his young children are left unattended all night. You might not want to be the one  doing something very annoying in close proximity to that individual. You might want to be doing whatever it is you’re doing…. Quietly.

Prompt 29 Variation

First Person POV

I had just met Stacie the week before and we hit it off like mad. There were sparks flying everywhere and we had a hard time keeping our hands off of each other even though we were on the light rail heading back from downtown. We had been playing a little game for the past few hours, discreet little touches and kisses, nothing inappropriate for the public setting but very meaningful to us and preludes to the evening we had planned. We were sitting in the first 2 seats right next to the door and got the full brunt of abuse from the extremely intoxicated woman who boarded at this particular stop.

“You guys are getting ready to go fuck” she slurred at us before planting herself in the seat next to me. I was mortified. Her boozy, dead cat smelling breath wafted over us as she continued her prediction of the things my date and I had planned for the evening. “He’s just gonna fuckin use you bitch” the smell was starting to overpower everything, unwashed flesh, rotting teeth, greasy hair and a weeks’ worth of  cheap booze and wet cigarette buts. “He’s gonna knock you up and then leave you to raise them little bastards on your own, aint gonna pay nuthin, mutherfucker prolly didn’t even buy you a proper meal, prolly got them warts or some that clap, mutherfucker, cheap dirty bastard” . She’s vacillating between a slurred mumble and a low screech right into our faces. There was no reason for this attack and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Come on let’s move I tell Stacie. “Yea run ya fucker, you dickless bastards always do, mutherfucker” she snarls. I can feel my anger rising, my face is burning and I am overwhelmed by confusion of how to handle this horrible situation that we are now in. Stacie is clinging to my arm for dear life and begging me to go, let’s just go. So we did. We got up and went to the next car to continue our trip. There were no more soft kisses on my neck for the rest of the night.

Third Person POV

I’m on the light rail heading home from the Suns game. Me and my buddy Mike are about half drunk enjoying scoping out all the fine ladies on the train. There is this one in particular I am grooving on but she has herself firmly attached to this big blond dude and it looks like it would take a lot of working to get her to come over here and give me some of those little kisses she keeps given him. Anyway I’m still checkin out her fine legs when this bag lady stumbles on and starts talking to her and that dude.

I can’t hear what the bag lady’s saying but she is getting quite a reaction out of the couple. Their eyes are as big around as saucers and they look like they are entering fight or flight mode. I elbow Mike and tell him to watch this, something is about to happen. The blonde dude has his fists clenched, his face has turned so red it’s comical. It looks like the bag lady is just wearing them out; I can hear her screeching but I can’t tell what she’s saying. She only has one shoe on and on her other foot is a red sock that about matches the red in the blonde dudes face Ha Ha.

Aw, shit they moved on and left the bag lady sitting there talking to herself. I was hoping there was going to be a fight or something I could film for u-tube. Hey look at the rack on that chick.

Peer Review 3-22-11

Week 10 Peer Review

Hey all, hope you had a great break!

Jamie

I enjoyed your calm persuasion piece particularly for its balance. You handled a difficult topic in what I believe was a fair manner. You stated your argument or opinion firmly without being overbearing or argumentative. I feel this would be an easy topic to rant about but you managed to convey acceptance of others views but your opposition of them forcing them on to others without even throwing in any FU’s. Nice job writing about a controversial subject.

Kayla

Ok this is off to a great start, the art of procrastination, that is an awesome subject and the intro paragraph is very well written. That was so very entertaining, hilarious and well written, thank you I needed that. Not a complaint I can come up with this week, you nailed it on all counts. Your use of sarcasm and the use of asking questions and then answering them is very effective and engaging. Free exercise procrastination- priceless J

Kimberly

Your writing from last week is excellent. I particularly like your use of facts and figures to back up or reinforce your subject. This seems to be an effective war to give the reader an even greater understanding of your subjects to compliment the very passionate and descriptive narration you use. And I also like any story that uses the word backasswardJ Great job

Prompt #25 Dialogue

This conversation has been edited to remove most of the offensive language, especially during my parts of the conversation :) It was suggested to me in this weeks peer review that I may be a little to casual in my writing approach and I would like to express my sincere apologies if I offended any readers. That is definately not my intention. I come from a rude environment and sometimes I feel crass language necessary to convey feeling in my writing but I will try not to overdo it. At least I will try to keep it to PG-13. Thank you new teammates and I hope you all have a very nice week.

“Are you going to the show tonight Mike?” Ryan asks, and I thought it an odd question. Then I realize that he doesn’t want to go with this girl because he is afraid his girlfriend will be there and if he makes her mad she might tell his wife what has really been going on. He gets an amazing amount of action for a fat bastard.

“I would like to but I don’t have a ride, why are you going?”

“No, I’m not going but she is and she doesn’t know how to get there, its kinda hard to explain the directions so if you’re going too she can take you and you know where it is.”

“Yea that’s good” replies Mike “I’m gonna need to jump in the shower. Can you watch my chicken and when it is done in the middle take it off the stove for me? I just checked it and it was still a little pink but it should be done in 5 or 10 minutes tops.”

I’m thinking to myself, yea right that fat bastard will take it off the stove and put it in his belly.

“Yea O.K.” “Is it cool if Mike rides with you sweetie, I don’t feel like going tonight?”

“Sure that’s fine baby, are you sure you don’t want to go?”

Ryan yells after Mikes retreating figure “Hey Mike, wait can you give me those directions again?”

“Sure, you take the 202 to Scottsdale road and go north...”

“No, no not that, you said something about chicken?”

“Oh yea, yea I’m gonna take a quick shower but my chicken is almost finished cooking. Can you check it in about 5 or 10 minutes and see if it is still pink in the middle. If it is done just set it off the heat and I will eat when I get out of the shower.” Mike explains “I’ve got to hurry cause we will need to go by 7:30 to make it on time.”

“OH, all right, can’t you just take it off when you finish showering.”

“No, it will burn.”

“How long does it take you to shower?” asks the fat bastard who is now proving he’s a lazy bastard as well. “Ooh you do that hour long shower thing don’t you?”

“No, ill hurry we’ve got to go soon, if I wait for the chicken to finish first I won’t have time to get cleaned up and eat before we go…”

“Cheazus Criminies” I jump into the conversation cause I’m trying to read here and this should not be so difficult or require nearly as much dialog. “I’ll keep an eye on the freakin chicken, go get cleaned up so yall can get up out of here and I can get some dam work done.”

“Soooory” Mike draws the word out in that prissy way of his.

“Go” I say, you can get away with bossing roommates like that when they see you training every day.

“I was hoping to eat on the way” this nameless bimbo pipes in, not to insult any ladies out there but bimbo is the only way to describe this one “do you really need to shower?”

“Are you thinking about somewhere that serves ice cream?” Mike wants to know.

“Jack in the Box is right next to a Cold Stone Creamery” the bimbo says

“Oh I love Cold Stone, give me 5 minutes to throw on some socks and brush my teeth”

I’m gnashing my teeth trying not to listen to their conversation but the next thing you know I’m listening again. I don’t have a desk in my room and am trying unsuccessfully to catch up on some homework at the kitchen table.

“What about that chicken?” The fat bastard wants to know.

“Oh, I’ll eat it later, John can you finish cooking for me?”

“Might as well, can’t get any reading done around here any way.” Is my reply.

“You’re so mean.” Says Mike

“Can I have some of that chicken?” the fat bastard of course wants to know

“Yea but save me half, I want to have a salad later.”

The bimbo confuses the situation with “Chicken salad; that sounds good”

“You just want to eat salad here and get some ice cream after the show?” Mike questions. “I have plenty”

Of course the fat bastard can’t resist an opening concerning food “Can I have some to?”

“Well yea, but you should finish cooking the chicken while I get dressed”

“I don’t know, I’m not really that hungry, it just sounded good for a second”

Jeez that guy is so lazy; I don’t know how he manages to feed himself enough to get that fat.

“Where are you going John, I need you to take the chicken off the stove when it’s done.”

“F you guys, I’ll be studying in my room and I better not hear any more of this stupid conversation or I’m gonna go nuts on both of you.” I state in my angry mean voice as I head down the hallway.

“Wow, that guys an asshole!” I hear the bimbo say before I slam the bedroom door.

Peer Review 3-8-11

Jamie

I enjoyed both of your posts from last week,” Responsibility” more for the subject matter and lesson and “City of Angles” for the writing style. It is more the writing style we are supposed to focus on so mostly I will focus on “City of Angles”. The first two paragraphs were excellent in my opinion. They were…..I’m not sure exactly the word I’m looking for, kind of a cross between professional and poetic.  I liked your use of questions and then answers to introduce and describe subject matter and situations. It is a very effective way to lead into your descriptions. When you enter the third paragraph I wonder if the part about the waitress is possibly unnecessary or misplaced. You have introduced the city and many of its occupants in the first 2 paragraphs and speak of everyone you make eye contact with and how they all want to make it and then you go into that line about a single person. Then you go back to speaking of everyone again and the beach being an escape for all. That transition from the many to the one then back to many didn’t seem to transition very smoothly, at least not the way I read it.  (can you make any sense out of those sentences I just wrote  whoo those were roughJ)  Maybe you can put the waitress in the writing earlier, in the part where you are talking about individuals (Abed, the homeless guy, the pizza place) to make the story flow better. That way at the end you can focus on the many and the unity. Great job on both pieces, entertaining and well written.

Kayla

I found your piece “Tangible awkwardness” to be very well written. You used a great variety of adjectives throughout that worked well to convey feeling or describe the situations. From the title all the way through to the end this piece did a great job of conveying the brutality of witnessing this event. I cannot find a thing negative to say about this writing, I even scoured for incorrect punctuation and sentence structure but in my opinion you nailed this one. Great job and very interesting story.

Kimberly

I found both of you pieces this week to be very detailed and well written. In the comic-con story I particularly liked your use of pictures to supplement and enhance the story. This is a tactic that I might like to work in to my writing soon.  If a picture is worth a thousand words can I just post a pic and skip the writing? Hmmm…. Anyway very good job and excellent attention to detail and general flow of the entire piece. It was longer than most writings I have reviewed in this class but in no way was it too long or unnecessarily drawn out. You provided a lot of information and some very interesting analogies and explanations. Your Hermie Doodle Dee piece was also very good; I thoroughly enjoyed this ultimately sad and intimate look into your life and appreciate you sharing it with me. I have been through a similar situation but even without that experience I would still have been able to feel your emotions through your excellent writing. Also again I enjoyed the pictures you included. I had to look hard to find something negative in your writing and this is the only paragraph that I noticed might use some revision.   “I happened upon this gaggle of seven, on a mid-October morning, during my daily walk through the desert behind our property. Of course, being who I am, I couldn’t not pay attention to seven abandoned puppies in the middle of the desert, and that was all it took. Before I knew what had happened, I had a train of puppies following me home.”   It’s the 1^st and especially the 2^nd sentences that don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece and I got hung up on them for a second.  They just seem a little broken and I think you could find a way to make them read a little more smoothly. Overall I think you did a great job last week.

Prompt #21

Michael has been talking about piercing his lip for three days now. I finally said come on Ill do it, but lets do it right now, right fucking now. This starts another round of well I should smoke a cigarette first because I'm not supposed to smoke afterwards, and I should probably eat something because I wont be able to eat again tonite.
Michael is a funny dude. I use the term dude loosely because if he had his way he would rather be called dude'et. Michael is gay, not bisexual, gay. Please don't be offended, he would not mind my telling you at all, in fact if you ever meet him you will see that it is quite obvious. And just to let you know for the sake of clarity, I don't want to punch a hole in his lip because I have issues with his sexuality, I like the guy and call him a good friend. I want to punch a hole in his lip because I'm tired of hearing him whine about wanting it done but backing out every time he almost does.
There is a lot of whining and bullshiting going around this house on any given day. That is just what naturally happens when you share a house with 7 guys. There are four of us home right now and everyone is using this event as an opportunity to express their opinion.
Rock says, Mike your an idiot. Go to a shop and let a pro do the job. Nick has expressed his concern of communicable diseases and the fact that there is going to be blood spilled in the bathroom. Ryan said, oh yea ill go to the gym later, I got to stay and see this.
Michael just finished his pizza and disappeared into the bathroom. What are you doing Michael I yell, concerned that he will do it himself and rob us all the joy of witnessing the deed. Brushing my teeth comes the muffled reply. He is so considerate.
Do any of you guys have Vaseline, Michael questions." What the fuck for" questions Ryan? Rock pipes in with "I got some Astroglide". Come on guys I need it to lube the needle. Nick is heading out the door, I can tell he really wants to stay and see the show but he is meeting a female tonite and I'm glad to see he is making the right choice by not keeping her waiting. I'm cracking up and reading what I'm writing to them all.
 All right its group smoke time, Ill be back to report what happens next in just a few minutes. Oh yea Michael is now cutting an apple to use as a backing so his teeth don't get chipped. OK Ill be back.

That was awesome. I assumed we would go from the outside in but Michael wanted me to go from the inside out so his teeth wouldnt get chipped. He had a scar from a previous piercing but wanted this one a little lower so i spied the scar moved down about an eight of an inch and shoved this very large needle right through his lip, through the apple and into his finger, he he he. He  had  this very professional looking

Holy Shit, I'm typing away when Michael stumbles out of the bathroom and collapses, banging his head into the wall on the way down. I was watching the whole thing and jumped up to catch him but I was too late. I could only hold his head after he was down while he shook, snored and basically freaked us all way out. He was out probably a full 30 seconds, long enough for me to picture going to prison for accidentally killing him. Rock and Ryan were standing there doing absolutely nothing. I'm sure they are going to want to read this account so I must reiterate that they were doing absolutely nothing while I valiantly scrambled to save my friends life. This writing is supposed to focus on others per the assignment directions but I must briefly describe my heroic measures. I held his head off the floor so he wouldn't do further damage to his cranium, and did that painful rub his chest plate with my knuckles thing like they always did on ER to revive patients and, and, well that's about it. I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time so even if my actions weren't heroic I'm sure I at least looked heroic.
Rock and Ryan just left to go to the gym, I told them if Michael was dead when they got back they better testify on my behalf in court someday. Michael is now smoking that cigarette he said he wouldn't be able to have after his procedure. He asked for some Ibuprofen to help keep the swelling down but all I have to offer is acetaminophen or Alieve and he says that wont help.
His piercing looks great, he is impressed at the straightness of the hole and gave me his thanks. I told him he owes me $39.99 for labor. I'm keeping  him in sight out of the corner of my eye as I type and so far he is still upright and breathing. He told me he passed out during his tattoo and whenever he has had blood drawn as well. Thanks for letting me know after the fact asshole.
It didn't go exactly as planned but all's well that ends well, right? Not as fun as an evening of hookers and blow but definitely cheaper and hell, I got a story out of it.

Prompt #20 Scene from doctors office

scene from doctors office, participants are the nurse, my son Nathan and I. My comments are written normally, my inner dialogue is italicized

“Nathan Smith” the nurse calls. Nathan, his mother and I all rise.

“I only need one parent at this time” she says “we are just taking vitals”

His mother sits back down to continue filling out the 3000 page medical form she has been laboring over for the past hour, the little help she got from Nate and I consisted mostly of jokes and smart ass comments.

From the nurses first question I was enveloped with an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear.

“Can you verify Nathans date of birth for me dad” she queries.

Sure it’s ah, um.

 “3-7-2000” she interjects.

 Yea, yea, that’s it 3-7-2000. My god I’m a fucking idiot.

“Are all of his vaccinations current?”

Yes they are, I boldly state. Ok I sounded better on that one; I hope Suz has taken care of that stuff as usual.

“Any broken bones or emergency hospitalizations in the past”

Uh, no, some stiches in his head about 3 years ago. I later learn that the stiches incident was almost 8 years ago and he had broken toes a few months back that I still swear no one mentioned to me. He’s a tough and stoic little guy.

“Is he currently on any medications?”

Meds, Meds, Meds? Cough syrup, no that’s not what she’s asking jackass, she’s talking about scripts, wasn’t he taking something recently?

 Are you taking any medicine these days Nathan?

Yea, my breathing machine, answers my mini me.

Oh yea, he uses albuterol with that breathing machine thingy.

Shit that is probably important, should I go get Suzanne right now, Fuck Fuck Fuck, I’m a complete idiot

“Is that on a daily or as needed basis?”

Um, as needed, not very often, maybe once or twice a month, I stammer and leave her with an expectant expression on her face. Fuck I wish his mom was in here.

“Is he allergic to any medications?”

No, not that I know of. Allergic to meds? Allergic to meds? This sounds serious but I really don’t think so.

“Is he allergic to any foods?”

I don’t think so but all we ever eat is pizza and hamburgers so I don’t really know, ha ha. Fuck Fuck Fuck what kind of father am I?

“Now we need to get a B.P. and pulse, I’m going to put this around your arm cutie and you slide your finger in here.”

“Any history of heart disease or stroke in the family?”

Uh, not that I know of. Lunacy maybe should I mention that.

“Ok, now step up on the scale, we need to get a height and weight and then were all finished”

Thank you, it was nice to meet you. Fuck me; I hope none of those questions were important.

Hey Suzanne is Nathan allergic to anything or on any medications or…………?

Peer Review 2-22-11

Alyssa Brown

I appreciated your twist and creativity on Prompt #14. I always personally find it exciting when someone takes an assignment and does it with their own interpretation instead of just literally following instructions. The descriptions of the aspects of dance and of the pain and discipline involved behind the scenes were informative and insightful

I did notice several grammatical errors in this piece and feel that it could use some revision from a purely proofreading standpoint. Some of these include:  paragraph 1 the use of apart should be a part

Paragraph 2  hip flexors hurts, too many plurals in this description, “ we than move into stretching” should be “we then”

Paragraph 2  “being an objective” does not make sense to me, and the final sentence of that paragraph is confusing, possibly replace the word is with in

Jesus Corona

Great job last week. I thoroughly enjoyed your use of humor and particularly enjoyed laughing at your pain from the bike wreck. I am concerned with your reference in both postings of ears either falling or being melted off. Just kidding man, I’m sure this is not the appropriate venue to discuss classmates mental stabilityJ  I particularly enjoyed your use of footnotes in prompt 14. It was an added bonus of info, description and humor that I might like to utilize in writing sometime.  The title of prompt 14 is a little confusing to me. Either I just missed something or possibly a more descriptive or informative title might be used to help intro the writing.

Lindsay Fraser

Great job last week. I particularly enjoyed the Marinara writing. You used very detailed descriptions that I seem to lack in my writing. These descriptions work very well, involving the reader in the story, giving it depth and detail, and also made me very hungry. The use of the marinara sauce and its different aspects or ingredients in the various geographical locations worked well to distinguish between the regions and was a great way to introduce the areas and make the story flow.

The only part I found troubling or thought could possibly use revision is this sentence “When we traveled to Nice, located near the Mediterranean Sea, in the south of France, the pasta included fresh pieces of fish amongst the pureed marinara sauce; however, instead of the traditional spaghetti noodles, the sauce was placed atop circular noodles which somewhat resembled “Spaghetti O’s.”  It seemed a little choppy or broken. It only stood out because the rest of the story transitioned so seamlessly, so even if it is grammatically correct it just didn’t seem to fit well.

Prompt #15 Witness

I spend a lot of time these days observing other peoples actions and reactions. I watch others fight, kiss, shop, eat, walk, bike, drive, text, work and socialize. They all seem so confident, so sure of themselves. I see people standing still, just standing still doing nothing. How do they do that? How do you stand and patiently wait without smoking a cigarette, pacing, checking phone messages. My whole life Ive been like that kid at his first school dance. Where do I put my hands, on her shoulders, on her hips, on her ass, in my pockets. Why do I feel so out of place when other just seem to get life so easily. I constantly compare the feelings I have inside to the appearances others show on their outsides and there is just no match. I over think every single decision, every single movement. If I make a right turn on red here will I catch the left arrow on Broadway. What time does the train come through, is it faster to drive all the way down to Priest on the 202 or come down Rural and wait through all the crosswalks and red lights on University. White bread or wheat, wheat is healthier right but white tastes better and if its not %100 whole grain then the wheat is really only white bread colored brown. Right?

I'm watching my server at Oregano's at lunchtime. She walks right up to a guy she obviously knows, smacks him on the ass and playfully starts boxing. In the middle of the restaurant, while on the clock. Is anyone offended, does anyone else notice, not really. I'm offended, not by her actions but by her seemingly  unselfconciousness. She doesn't care if anyone notices shes not doing her job and shes playing on the clock. How does anyone, all of yall achieve that level of comfort. I would have gone into this long fantasy about how I cant do that at work because someone might need a refill and they saw me not getting it for them so I don't get a good tip which means I cant pay the rent which means I'm gonna be homeless so I'm gonna start shooting heroin into my jugular vein to block out the misery of my life and die a horrible lonely death cause I smacked someone on the ass while I was supposed to be working. Jeez!

I go tho the ASU art museum for research on an art paper. I watch the two women who work there completely ignore me for at least 3 minutes while they have this totally personal conversation, so at ease throwing personal info out there for anyone to hear, financial info, family info. I watch them not watch me and eventually walk away to go answer my questions on my own. I don't want to interrupt, that would be rude. Really? I go into this long drawn out fantasy about         censored        but what good would that do. I'm 6'3" tall, a fit 200lbs. Blond and blue, big nose but i make up for it with a great smile. I'm financially stable, friendly and currently have no STD's. I'm awesome, why don't I fit in.

I watch them, I watch you. I'm so insanely jealous. I watch you not getting angry. I watch you make decisions without pulling out your hair. I watch you flirt and love. I watch you float through life, living the good life, doing it all the easy way, the American way. I watch you, and I hate you.

Hey guys, I'm not really insane. I generally sit down to these assignments after a long day of work, clock ticking its way to 11:59, under time constraints with no prior planning or organization and write about whatever comes to mind that fits in generally with the writing prompt directions. Typically this is very enjoyable to me, I'm a construction worker not a writer and find this class to be....liberating. It is a new and fun way I'm learning to express myself. This, tonite, is probably the worst thing I've ever written in my life. It is about events I witnessed like the prompt wanted but it just didn't come out right or well at all. I have a terrible sinus headache and am not going to be able to start over again cause its already 11pm. I apologize to my peers that they have to review this crap, you guys write very well and I am ashamed of this submission, but for tonite and this assignment my friends I GIVE UP:) :)     

Peer Reviews 2-15-11

ALL PEERS IN GROUP #4

I just noticed our group has 5 members and all others have 4. I was the late add and odd number and have caused more work for all yall. My apologies, please don’t hate on the 5^th man, it’s not my fault its Prof Patel’sJ J  I’ll write a petition for extra credit in my next blogJ

Lindsay Fraser

Strengths

“Diastole” is an excellent descriptive piece. You obviously put much effort into your writing and it shows. I like how you use the command or request of  ”Imagine this” before part of your description. It helped me to not just read through but encouraged me to take a little more time and “Imagine this”. Probably not really supposed to include this in peer review but I have to comment that I like the content of your writing and your blog as well, your connection to and the importance that you place on family is really cool.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

I don’t want to be a smartbutt but it really is ingrained in my nature. If the place can only be found by someone who has traveled there before, who found it in the first place? I know what you are trying to say but maybe that doesn’t make perfect sense?

Alyssa Brown

Thanks for the invite to your show, that was very considerate.

Strengths:

Prompt 13; Excellent description and effective content. Your use of pictures spaced throughout the writing was very effective in allowing me to focus on the place being described and added depth and meaning.  Very well done.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

I did not particularly care for the intro where you said you did not really connect with the blog. It set me up for disappointment and affected the way I read the story. It’s the power of suggestion; if you had written something like “this is going to be the greatest story ever” I might have believed it and thought it was a better writing. Just a thought, it’s just my opinion but you might have left that part out.

Miranda Colony

Strengths:

“For admittance to the Highland Celtic Festival, we gladly hand over 24.00 and receive our 2 lovely bracelets that state we can in fact get lost here.”  That is an awesome beginning to a story. It indicates from the first line that this will probably be an enjoyable read. Great descriptions and use of humor, nice job.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

“This is a dangerous passion he’s learned to trust after some experience, but to a first time outsider, he seems all too brave, almost stupid to go in with so little coverage.” I found this sentence a little confusing and feel it could work a little better with revision. Maybe it makes perfect sense I just don’t understand the process or passion. Not sure if it is you or me but I'm a little confused with this piece, maybe a picture or 2 could add to this description for us of the uninformed.

Jesus Corona

Strengths:

Superfly;  frickin awesome. I shared it with my kid and he got a kick out of it as well. Extremely creative, well-illustrated and enjoyable.  You keep knocking it out of the park my man, it is a pleasure to have you in my group and I am blessed that I am forced to read your writingJ

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

In one day Becky will be moving to Poughkeepsie to attend Vassar College. Maybe its just getting late but I tripped up on that sentence for a minute. I thought she was physically moving all her stuff in one 24 hour period? Possibly using “tomorrow” or different wording might make this a little easier to read for us blue collar folks. Just a thought

Prompt # 14 Cultural Tastes

The six compartment trays are orange, just like the uniforms. Plastic sporks, plastic cups, not a napkin in sight and definitely no knives. There are a total of three different breakfast items, three lunches and four dinners, the menu rotates and gets very repetitive.

Breakfast:

1              scrambled egg powder

                Untoasted bread

                Cold cereal

                ½ pint white milk

2              My personal favorite

                Pancakes with syrup

                Untoasted Bread

                ½ pint milk

3              Oatmeal

                Untoasted bread

                ½ pint milk

Lunch:

1              Cold meat sandwich

                Beans

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

2              Grilled cheese

                Mystery Soup

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

3              My Personal Favorite

                Pizza Square

                Pasta salad

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

Dinner:

1              Hot Dogs

                Fried Potatoes

                Salad

                1 cup juice

2              Goulash

                Salad

                Untoasted bread

                1 cup juice

3              Fish square

                Untoasted bread

                Boiled potatoes

                1 cup juice

4              My Personal Favorite

                Spaghetti

                Toasted bread

                Salad

                1 cup juice

And around and around the menu rotates. You don’t like the food don’t do the crimes they say. They don’t take complaints very well in prison. I didn’t  mention how wonderful it is on those rare occasions when the ice machine works. Something cold to drink every once in a while is cool but usually the ice machine is broken and like I said the complaint department is less than responsive. They would rather spend their time and energy searching everyone leaving the chow hall to ensure no fruit is being smuggled out to make intoxicating beverages with.

Neither much to eat, nor much variety, but that’s ok we got commissary. Commissary is a once a week store type experience for those who are fortunate enough to have money sent in by their friends or family or in my case behave well enough to get a job on the yard. For a 40 hour work week I brought in a whopping $17, and I was very grateful to have it. See the commissary only sells cigarettes, toiletries and junk food. Here is where the culinary genius comes in. With a little patience, a little purchasing of black market spices (stolen and sold by kitchen workers), and a hotplate it is possible to make some pretty delicious, filling, cheap and extremely unhealthy meals to supplement your chow hall dining experience. Below are a few of my favorite recipes, they are designed to serve two people (I use the term people loosely we are really just numbers here) because just like in the real world food tastes better when you share it with a friend.

Meal # 1

2 packs chicken flavor Ramen Noodles

2 Cups water

1 Package tuna fish

2 ounces crushed potato chips of your preferred flavor, I liked barbeque

A little milk if you can sneak some from chow hall

1 packet squeeze cheese

Hot sauce

Spice to taste

Heat all ingredients and let stand for 10 minutes, stir well and enjoy with the convict of your choosing.

Pairs nicely with a little tap water, served lukewarm of course and follow with candy bar or pastry if you can afford it. Finish with a cigarette or some heroin, whatever works for you.

Recipe #2

2 packets beef flavor Ramen Noodles

1 summer sausage roll chopped into ¼ in pieces (your ID badge works well as a chopper)

1 packet squeeze cheese

2 oz. crushed potato chips or Doritos

2 cups water

Spices to taste

Heat all ingredients and let rest for 10 minutes, stir well and enjoy with convict of your choice.

 Pairs nicely with a little tap water, served lukewarm of course and follow with candy bar or pastry if you can afford it. Finish with a cigarette or some heroin, whatever works for you.

Recipe #3  late in the week and supplies are low

1 packet Ramen noodles

1 cup water

Heat and let rest for 6 minutes, stir well and eat alone

Chase with some lukewarm tap water, have a smoke and count the hours till breakfast.

Stay in school people, get a good job and save your money so you can afford to hire a good lawyer if you ever need one. And most importantly “Just say nope to dope”.