I spend a lot of time these days observing other peoples actions and reactions. I watch others fight, kiss, shop, eat, walk, bike, drive, text, work and socialize. They all seem so confident, so sure of themselves. I see people standing still, just standing still doing nothing. How do they do that? How do you stand and patiently wait without smoking a cigarette, pacing, checking phone messages. My whole life Ive been like that kid at his first school dance. Where do I put my hands, on her shoulders, on her hips, on her ass, in my pockets. Why do I feel so out of place when other just seem to get life so easily. I constantly compare the feelings I have inside to the appearances others show on their outsides and there is just no match. I over think every single decision, every single movement. If I make a right turn on red here will I catch the left arrow on Broadway. What time does the train come through, is it faster to drive all the way down to Priest on the 202 or come down Rural and wait through all the crosswalks and red lights on University. White bread or wheat, wheat is healthier right but white tastes better and if its not %100 whole grain then the wheat is really only white bread colored brown. Right?
I'm watching my server at Oregano's at lunchtime. She walks right up to a guy she obviously knows, smacks him on the ass and playfully starts boxing. In the middle of the restaurant, while on the clock. Is anyone offended, does anyone else notice, not really. I'm offended, not by her actions but by her seemingly unselfconciousness. She doesn't care if anyone notices shes not doing her job and shes playing on the clock. How does anyone, all of yall achieve that level of comfort. I would have gone into this long fantasy about how I cant do that at work because someone might need a refill and they saw me not getting it for them so I don't get a good tip which means I cant pay the rent which means I'm gonna be homeless so I'm gonna start shooting heroin into my jugular vein to block out the misery of my life and die a horrible lonely death cause I smacked someone on the ass while I was supposed to be working. Jeez!
I go tho the ASU art museum for research on an art paper. I watch the two women who work there completely ignore me for at least 3 minutes while they have this totally personal conversation, so at ease throwing personal info out there for anyone to hear, financial info, family info. I watch them not watch me and eventually walk away to go answer my questions on my own. I don't want to interrupt, that would be rude. Really? I go into this long drawn out fantasy about censored but what good would that do. I'm 6'3" tall, a fit 200lbs. Blond and blue, big nose but i make up for it with a great smile. I'm financially stable, friendly and currently have no STD's. I'm awesome, why don't I fit in.
I watch them, I watch you. I'm so insanely jealous. I watch you not getting angry. I watch you make decisions without pulling out your hair. I watch you flirt and love. I watch you float through life, living the good life, doing it all the easy way, the American way. I watch you, and I hate you.
Hey guys, I'm not really insane. I generally sit down to these assignments after a long day of work, clock ticking its way to 11:59, under time constraints with no prior planning or organization and write about whatever comes to mind that fits in generally with the writing prompt directions. Typically this is very enjoyable to me, I'm a construction worker not a writer and find this class to be....liberating. It is a new and fun way I'm learning to express myself. This, tonite, is probably the worst thing I've ever written in my life. It is about events I witnessed like the prompt wanted but it just didn't come out right or well at all. I have a terrible sinus headache and am not going to be able to start over again cause its already 11pm. I apologize to my peers that they have to review this crap, you guys write very well and I am ashamed of this submission, but for tonite and this assignment my friends I GIVE UP:) :)
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