Jamie
I enjoyed both of your posts from last week,” Responsibility” more for the subject matter and lesson and “City of Angles” for the writing style. It is more the writing style we are supposed to focus on so mostly I will focus on “City of Angles”. The first two paragraphs were excellent in my opinion. They were…..I’m not sure exactly the word I’m looking for, kind of a cross between professional and poetic. I liked your use of questions and then answers to introduce and describe subject matter and situations. It is a very effective way to lead into your descriptions. When you enter the third paragraph I wonder if the part about the waitress is possibly unnecessary or misplaced. You have introduced the city and many of its occupants in the first 2 paragraphs and speak of everyone you make eye contact with and how they all want to make it and then you go into that line about a single person. Then you go back to speaking of everyone again and the beach being an escape for all. That transition from the many to the one then back to many didn’t seem to transition very smoothly, at least not the way I read it. (can you make any sense out of those sentences I just wrote whoo those were roughJ) Maybe you can put the waitress in the writing earlier, in the part where you are talking about individuals (Abed, the homeless guy, the pizza place) to make the story flow better. That way at the end you can focus on the many and the unity. Great job on both pieces, entertaining and well written.
Kayla
I found your piece “Tangible awkwardness” to be very well written. You used a great variety of adjectives throughout that worked well to convey feeling or describe the situations. From the title all the way through to the end this piece did a great job of conveying the brutality of witnessing this event. I cannot find a thing negative to say about this writing, I even scoured for incorrect punctuation and sentence structure but in my opinion you nailed this one. Great job and very interesting story.
Kimberly
I found both of you pieces this week to be very detailed and well written. In the comic-con story I particularly liked your use of pictures to supplement and enhance the story. This is a tactic that I might like to work in to my writing soon. If a picture is worth a thousand words can I just post a pic and skip the writing? Hmmm…. Anyway very good job and excellent attention to detail and general flow of the entire piece. It was longer than most writings I have reviewed in this class but in no way was it too long or unnecessarily drawn out. You provided a lot of information and some very interesting analogies and explanations. Your Hermie Doodle Dee piece was also very good; I thoroughly enjoyed this ultimately sad and intimate look into your life and appreciate you sharing it with me. I have been through a similar situation but even without that experience I would still have been able to feel your emotions through your excellent writing. Also again I enjoyed the pictures you included. I had to look hard to find something negative in your writing and this is the only paragraph that I noticed might use some revision. “I happened upon this gaggle of seven, on a mid-October morning, during my daily walk through the desert behind our property. Of course, being who I am, I couldn’t not pay attention to seven abandoned puppies in the middle of the desert, and that was all it took. Before I knew what had happened, I had a train of puppies following me home.” It’s the 1st and especially the 2nd sentences that don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece and I got hung up on them for a second. They just seem a little broken and I think you could find a way to make them read a little more smoothly. Overall I think you did a great job last week.
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