Peer Review 3-8-11

Jamie

I enjoyed both of your posts from last week,” Responsibility” more for the subject matter and lesson and “City of Angles” for the writing style. It is more the writing style we are supposed to focus on so mostly I will focus on “City of Angles”. The first two paragraphs were excellent in my opinion. They were…..I’m not sure exactly the word I’m looking for, kind of a cross between professional and poetic.  I liked your use of questions and then answers to introduce and describe subject matter and situations. It is a very effective way to lead into your descriptions. When you enter the third paragraph I wonder if the part about the waitress is possibly unnecessary or misplaced. You have introduced the city and many of its occupants in the first 2 paragraphs and speak of everyone you make eye contact with and how they all want to make it and then you go into that line about a single person. Then you go back to speaking of everyone again and the beach being an escape for all. That transition from the many to the one then back to many didn’t seem to transition very smoothly, at least not the way I read it.  (can you make any sense out of those sentences I just wrote  whoo those were roughJ)  Maybe you can put the waitress in the writing earlier, in the part where you are talking about individuals (Abed, the homeless guy, the pizza place) to make the story flow better. That way at the end you can focus on the many and the unity. Great job on both pieces, entertaining and well written.

Kayla

I found your piece “Tangible awkwardness” to be very well written. You used a great variety of adjectives throughout that worked well to convey feeling or describe the situations. From the title all the way through to the end this piece did a great job of conveying the brutality of witnessing this event. I cannot find a thing negative to say about this writing, I even scoured for incorrect punctuation and sentence structure but in my opinion you nailed this one. Great job and very interesting story.

Kimberly

I found both of you pieces this week to be very detailed and well written. In the comic-con story I particularly liked your use of pictures to supplement and enhance the story. This is a tactic that I might like to work in to my writing soon.  If a picture is worth a thousand words can I just post a pic and skip the writing? Hmmm…. Anyway very good job and excellent attention to detail and general flow of the entire piece. It was longer than most writings I have reviewed in this class but in no way was it too long or unnecessarily drawn out. You provided a lot of information and some very interesting analogies and explanations. Your Hermie Doodle Dee piece was also very good; I thoroughly enjoyed this ultimately sad and intimate look into your life and appreciate you sharing it with me. I have been through a similar situation but even without that experience I would still have been able to feel your emotions through your excellent writing. Also again I enjoyed the pictures you included. I had to look hard to find something negative in your writing and this is the only paragraph that I noticed might use some revision.   “I happened upon this gaggle of seven, on a mid-October morning, during my daily walk through the desert behind our property. Of course, being who I am, I couldn’t not pay attention to seven abandoned puppies in the middle of the desert, and that was all it took. Before I knew what had happened, I had a train of puppies following me home.”   It’s the 1^st and especially the 2^nd sentences that don’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece and I got hung up on them for a second.  They just seem a little broken and I think you could find a way to make them read a little more smoothly. Overall I think you did a great job last week.

Prompt #21

Michael has been talking about piercing his lip for three days now. I finally said come on Ill do it, but lets do it right now, right fucking now. This starts another round of well I should smoke a cigarette first because I'm not supposed to smoke afterwards, and I should probably eat something because I wont be able to eat again tonite.
Michael is a funny dude. I use the term dude loosely because if he had his way he would rather be called dude'et. Michael is gay, not bisexual, gay. Please don't be offended, he would not mind my telling you at all, in fact if you ever meet him you will see that it is quite obvious. And just to let you know for the sake of clarity, I don't want to punch a hole in his lip because I have issues with his sexuality, I like the guy and call him a good friend. I want to punch a hole in his lip because I'm tired of hearing him whine about wanting it done but backing out every time he almost does.
There is a lot of whining and bullshiting going around this house on any given day. That is just what naturally happens when you share a house with 7 guys. There are four of us home right now and everyone is using this event as an opportunity to express their opinion.
Rock says, Mike your an idiot. Go to a shop and let a pro do the job. Nick has expressed his concern of communicable diseases and the fact that there is going to be blood spilled in the bathroom. Ryan said, oh yea ill go to the gym later, I got to stay and see this.
Michael just finished his pizza and disappeared into the bathroom. What are you doing Michael I yell, concerned that he will do it himself and rob us all the joy of witnessing the deed. Brushing my teeth comes the muffled reply. He is so considerate.
Do any of you guys have Vaseline, Michael questions." What the fuck for" questions Ryan? Rock pipes in with "I got some Astroglide". Come on guys I need it to lube the needle. Nick is heading out the door, I can tell he really wants to stay and see the show but he is meeting a female tonite and I'm glad to see he is making the right choice by not keeping her waiting. I'm cracking up and reading what I'm writing to them all.
 All right its group smoke time, Ill be back to report what happens next in just a few minutes. Oh yea Michael is now cutting an apple to use as a backing so his teeth don't get chipped. OK Ill be back.

That was awesome. I assumed we would go from the outside in but Michael wanted me to go from the inside out so his teeth wouldnt get chipped. He had a scar from a previous piercing but wanted this one a little lower so i spied the scar moved down about an eight of an inch and shoved this very large needle right through his lip, through the apple and into his finger, he he he. He  had  this very professional looking

Holy Shit, I'm typing away when Michael stumbles out of the bathroom and collapses, banging his head into the wall on the way down. I was watching the whole thing and jumped up to catch him but I was too late. I could only hold his head after he was down while he shook, snored and basically freaked us all way out. He was out probably a full 30 seconds, long enough for me to picture going to prison for accidentally killing him. Rock and Ryan were standing there doing absolutely nothing. I'm sure they are going to want to read this account so I must reiterate that they were doing absolutely nothing while I valiantly scrambled to save my friends life. This writing is supposed to focus on others per the assignment directions but I must briefly describe my heroic measures. I held his head off the floor so he wouldn't do further damage to his cranium, and did that painful rub his chest plate with my knuckles thing like they always did on ER to revive patients and, and, well that's about it. I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time so even if my actions weren't heroic I'm sure I at least looked heroic.
Rock and Ryan just left to go to the gym, I told them if Michael was dead when they got back they better testify on my behalf in court someday. Michael is now smoking that cigarette he said he wouldn't be able to have after his procedure. He asked for some Ibuprofen to help keep the swelling down but all I have to offer is acetaminophen or Alieve and he says that wont help.
His piercing looks great, he is impressed at the straightness of the hole and gave me his thanks. I told him he owes me $39.99 for labor. I'm keeping  him in sight out of the corner of my eye as I type and so far he is still upright and breathing. He told me he passed out during his tattoo and whenever he has had blood drawn as well. Thanks for letting me know after the fact asshole.
It didn't go exactly as planned but all's well that ends well, right? Not as fun as an evening of hookers and blow but definitely cheaper and hell, I got a story out of it.

Prompt #20 Scene from doctors office

scene from doctors office, participants are the nurse, my son Nathan and I. My comments are written normally, my inner dialogue is italicized

“Nathan Smith” the nurse calls. Nathan, his mother and I all rise.

“I only need one parent at this time” she says “we are just taking vitals”

His mother sits back down to continue filling out the 3000 page medical form she has been laboring over for the past hour, the little help she got from Nate and I consisted mostly of jokes and smart ass comments.

From the nurses first question I was enveloped with an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear.

“Can you verify Nathans date of birth for me dad” she queries.

Sure it’s ah, um.

 “3-7-2000” she interjects.

 Yea, yea, that’s it 3-7-2000. My god I’m a fucking idiot.

“Are all of his vaccinations current?”

Yes they are, I boldly state. Ok I sounded better on that one; I hope Suz has taken care of that stuff as usual.

“Any broken bones or emergency hospitalizations in the past”

Uh, no, some stiches in his head about 3 years ago. I later learn that the stiches incident was almost 8 years ago and he had broken toes a few months back that I still swear no one mentioned to me. He’s a tough and stoic little guy.

“Is he currently on any medications?”

Meds, Meds, Meds? Cough syrup, no that’s not what she’s asking jackass, she’s talking about scripts, wasn’t he taking something recently?

 Are you taking any medicine these days Nathan?

Yea, my breathing machine, answers my mini me.

Oh yea, he uses albuterol with that breathing machine thingy.

Shit that is probably important, should I go get Suzanne right now, Fuck Fuck Fuck, I’m a complete idiot

“Is that on a daily or as needed basis?”

Um, as needed, not very often, maybe once or twice a month, I stammer and leave her with an expectant expression on her face. Fuck I wish his mom was in here.

“Is he allergic to any medications?”

No, not that I know of. Allergic to meds? Allergic to meds? This sounds serious but I really don’t think so.

“Is he allergic to any foods?”

I don’t think so but all we ever eat is pizza and hamburgers so I don’t really know, ha ha. Fuck Fuck Fuck what kind of father am I?

“Now we need to get a B.P. and pulse, I’m going to put this around your arm cutie and you slide your finger in here.”

“Any history of heart disease or stroke in the family?”

Uh, not that I know of. Lunacy maybe should I mention that.

“Ok, now step up on the scale, we need to get a height and weight and then were all finished”

Thank you, it was nice to meet you. Fuck me; I hope none of those questions were important.

Hey Suzanne is Nathan allergic to anything or on any medications or…………?

Peer Review 2-22-11

Alyssa Brown

I appreciated your twist and creativity on Prompt #14. I always personally find it exciting when someone takes an assignment and does it with their own interpretation instead of just literally following instructions. The descriptions of the aspects of dance and of the pain and discipline involved behind the scenes were informative and insightful

I did notice several grammatical errors in this piece and feel that it could use some revision from a purely proofreading standpoint. Some of these include:  paragraph 1 the use of apart should be a part

Paragraph 2  hip flexors hurts, too many plurals in this description, “ we than move into stretching” should be “we then”

Paragraph 2  “being an objective” does not make sense to me, and the final sentence of that paragraph is confusing, possibly replace the word is with in

Jesus Corona

Great job last week. I thoroughly enjoyed your use of humor and particularly enjoyed laughing at your pain from the bike wreck. I am concerned with your reference in both postings of ears either falling or being melted off. Just kidding man, I’m sure this is not the appropriate venue to discuss classmates mental stabilityJ  I particularly enjoyed your use of footnotes in prompt 14. It was an added bonus of info, description and humor that I might like to utilize in writing sometime.  The title of prompt 14 is a little confusing to me. Either I just missed something or possibly a more descriptive or informative title might be used to help intro the writing.

Lindsay Fraser

Great job last week. I particularly enjoyed the Marinara writing. You used very detailed descriptions that I seem to lack in my writing. These descriptions work very well, involving the reader in the story, giving it depth and detail, and also made me very hungry. The use of the marinara sauce and its different aspects or ingredients in the various geographical locations worked well to distinguish between the regions and was a great way to introduce the areas and make the story flow.

The only part I found troubling or thought could possibly use revision is this sentence “When we traveled to Nice, located near the Mediterranean Sea, in the south of France, the pasta included fresh pieces of fish amongst the pureed marinara sauce; however, instead of the traditional spaghetti noodles, the sauce was placed atop circular noodles which somewhat resembled “Spaghetti O’s.”  It seemed a little choppy or broken. It only stood out because the rest of the story transitioned so seamlessly, so even if it is grammatically correct it just didn’t seem to fit well.

Prompt #15 Witness

I spend a lot of time these days observing other peoples actions and reactions. I watch others fight, kiss, shop, eat, walk, bike, drive, text, work and socialize. They all seem so confident, so sure of themselves. I see people standing still, just standing still doing nothing. How do they do that? How do you stand and patiently wait without smoking a cigarette, pacing, checking phone messages. My whole life Ive been like that kid at his first school dance. Where do I put my hands, on her shoulders, on her hips, on her ass, in my pockets. Why do I feel so out of place when other just seem to get life so easily. I constantly compare the feelings I have inside to the appearances others show on their outsides and there is just no match. I over think every single decision, every single movement. If I make a right turn on red here will I catch the left arrow on Broadway. What time does the train come through, is it faster to drive all the way down to Priest on the 202 or come down Rural and wait through all the crosswalks and red lights on University. White bread or wheat, wheat is healthier right but white tastes better and if its not %100 whole grain then the wheat is really only white bread colored brown. Right?

I'm watching my server at Oregano's at lunchtime. She walks right up to a guy she obviously knows, smacks him on the ass and playfully starts boxing. In the middle of the restaurant, while on the clock. Is anyone offended, does anyone else notice, not really. I'm offended, not by her actions but by her seemingly  unselfconciousness. She doesn't care if anyone notices shes not doing her job and shes playing on the clock. How does anyone, all of yall achieve that level of comfort. I would have gone into this long fantasy about how I cant do that at work because someone might need a refill and they saw me not getting it for them so I don't get a good tip which means I cant pay the rent which means I'm gonna be homeless so I'm gonna start shooting heroin into my jugular vein to block out the misery of my life and die a horrible lonely death cause I smacked someone on the ass while I was supposed to be working. Jeez!

I go tho the ASU art museum for research on an art paper. I watch the two women who work there completely ignore me for at least 3 minutes while they have this totally personal conversation, so at ease throwing personal info out there for anyone to hear, financial info, family info. I watch them not watch me and eventually walk away to go answer my questions on my own. I don't want to interrupt, that would be rude. Really? I go into this long drawn out fantasy about         censored        but what good would that do. I'm 6'3" tall, a fit 200lbs. Blond and blue, big nose but i make up for it with a great smile. I'm financially stable, friendly and currently have no STD's. I'm awesome, why don't I fit in.

I watch them, I watch you. I'm so insanely jealous. I watch you not getting angry. I watch you make decisions without pulling out your hair. I watch you flirt and love. I watch you float through life, living the good life, doing it all the easy way, the American way. I watch you, and I hate you.

Hey guys, I'm not really insane. I generally sit down to these assignments after a long day of work, clock ticking its way to 11:59, under time constraints with no prior planning or organization and write about whatever comes to mind that fits in generally with the writing prompt directions. Typically this is very enjoyable to me, I'm a construction worker not a writer and find this class to be....liberating. It is a new and fun way I'm learning to express myself. This, tonite, is probably the worst thing I've ever written in my life. It is about events I witnessed like the prompt wanted but it just didn't come out right or well at all. I have a terrible sinus headache and am not going to be able to start over again cause its already 11pm. I apologize to my peers that they have to review this crap, you guys write very well and I am ashamed of this submission, but for tonite and this assignment my friends I GIVE UP:) :)     

Peer Reviews 2-15-11

ALL PEERS IN GROUP #4

I just noticed our group has 5 members and all others have 4. I was the late add and odd number and have caused more work for all yall. My apologies, please don’t hate on the 5^th man, it’s not my fault its Prof Patel’sJ J  I’ll write a petition for extra credit in my next blogJ

Lindsay Fraser

Strengths

“Diastole” is an excellent descriptive piece. You obviously put much effort into your writing and it shows. I like how you use the command or request of  ”Imagine this” before part of your description. It helped me to not just read through but encouraged me to take a little more time and “Imagine this”. Probably not really supposed to include this in peer review but I have to comment that I like the content of your writing and your blog as well, your connection to and the importance that you place on family is really cool.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

I don’t want to be a smartbutt but it really is ingrained in my nature. If the place can only be found by someone who has traveled there before, who found it in the first place? I know what you are trying to say but maybe that doesn’t make perfect sense?

Alyssa Brown

Thanks for the invite to your show, that was very considerate.

Strengths:

Prompt 13; Excellent description and effective content. Your use of pictures spaced throughout the writing was very effective in allowing me to focus on the place being described and added depth and meaning.  Very well done.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

I did not particularly care for the intro where you said you did not really connect with the blog. It set me up for disappointment and affected the way I read the story. It’s the power of suggestion; if you had written something like “this is going to be the greatest story ever” I might have believed it and thought it was a better writing. Just a thought, it’s just my opinion but you might have left that part out.

Miranda Colony

Strengths:

“For admittance to the Highland Celtic Festival, we gladly hand over 24.00 and receive our 2 lovely bracelets that state we can in fact get lost here.”  That is an awesome beginning to a story. It indicates from the first line that this will probably be an enjoyable read. Great descriptions and use of humor, nice job.

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

“This is a dangerous passion he’s learned to trust after some experience, but to a first time outsider, he seems all too brave, almost stupid to go in with so little coverage.” I found this sentence a little confusing and feel it could work a little better with revision. Maybe it makes perfect sense I just don’t understand the process or passion. Not sure if it is you or me but I'm a little confused with this piece, maybe a picture or 2 could add to this description for us of the uninformed.

Jesus Corona

Strengths:

Superfly;  frickin awesome. I shared it with my kid and he got a kick out of it as well. Extremely creative, well-illustrated and enjoyable.  You keep knocking it out of the park my man, it is a pleasure to have you in my group and I am blessed that I am forced to read your writingJ

My humbly perceived weaknesses:

In one day Becky will be moving to Poughkeepsie to attend Vassar College. Maybe its just getting late but I tripped up on that sentence for a minute. I thought she was physically moving all her stuff in one 24 hour period? Possibly using “tomorrow” or different wording might make this a little easier to read for us blue collar folks. Just a thought

Prompt # 14 Cultural Tastes

The six compartment trays are orange, just like the uniforms. Plastic sporks, plastic cups, not a napkin in sight and definitely no knives. There are a total of three different breakfast items, three lunches and four dinners, the menu rotates and gets very repetitive.

Breakfast:

1              scrambled egg powder

                Untoasted bread

                Cold cereal

                ½ pint white milk

2              My personal favorite

                Pancakes with syrup

                Untoasted Bread

                ½ pint milk

3              Oatmeal

                Untoasted bread

                ½ pint milk

Lunch:

1              Cold meat sandwich

                Beans

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

2              Grilled cheese

                Mystery Soup

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

3              My Personal Favorite

                Pizza Square

                Pasta salad

                Apple or orange

                1 cup juice

Dinner:

1              Hot Dogs

                Fried Potatoes

                Salad

                1 cup juice

2              Goulash

                Salad

                Untoasted bread

                1 cup juice

3              Fish square

                Untoasted bread

                Boiled potatoes

                1 cup juice

4              My Personal Favorite

                Spaghetti

                Toasted bread

                Salad

                1 cup juice

And around and around the menu rotates. You don’t like the food don’t do the crimes they say. They don’t take complaints very well in prison. I didn’t  mention how wonderful it is on those rare occasions when the ice machine works. Something cold to drink every once in a while is cool but usually the ice machine is broken and like I said the complaint department is less than responsive. They would rather spend their time and energy searching everyone leaving the chow hall to ensure no fruit is being smuggled out to make intoxicating beverages with.

Neither much to eat, nor much variety, but that’s ok we got commissary. Commissary is a once a week store type experience for those who are fortunate enough to have money sent in by their friends or family or in my case behave well enough to get a job on the yard. For a 40 hour work week I brought in a whopping $17, and I was very grateful to have it. See the commissary only sells cigarettes, toiletries and junk food. Here is where the culinary genius comes in. With a little patience, a little purchasing of black market spices (stolen and sold by kitchen workers), and a hotplate it is possible to make some pretty delicious, filling, cheap and extremely unhealthy meals to supplement your chow hall dining experience. Below are a few of my favorite recipes, they are designed to serve two people (I use the term people loosely we are really just numbers here) because just like in the real world food tastes better when you share it with a friend.

Meal # 1

2 packs chicken flavor Ramen Noodles

2 Cups water

1 Package tuna fish

2 ounces crushed potato chips of your preferred flavor, I liked barbeque

A little milk if you can sneak some from chow hall

1 packet squeeze cheese

Hot sauce

Spice to taste

Heat all ingredients and let stand for 10 minutes, stir well and enjoy with the convict of your choosing.

Pairs nicely with a little tap water, served lukewarm of course and follow with candy bar or pastry if you can afford it. Finish with a cigarette or some heroin, whatever works for you.

Recipe #2

2 packets beef flavor Ramen Noodles

1 summer sausage roll chopped into ¼ in pieces (your ID badge works well as a chopper)

1 packet squeeze cheese

2 oz. crushed potato chips or Doritos

2 cups water

Spices to taste

Heat all ingredients and let rest for 10 minutes, stir well and enjoy with convict of your choice.

 Pairs nicely with a little tap water, served lukewarm of course and follow with candy bar or pastry if you can afford it. Finish with a cigarette or some heroin, whatever works for you.

Recipe #3  late in the week and supplies are low

1 packet Ramen noodles

1 cup water

Heat and let rest for 6 minutes, stir well and eat alone

Chase with some lukewarm tap water, have a smoke and count the hours till breakfast.

Stay in school people, get a good job and save your money so you can afford to hire a good lawyer if you ever need one. And most importantly “Just say nope to dope”.