Hey Professor Patel and Peers. I mistakenly reviewed last weeks postings a week early so today I am going back to review week 1 writings that I should have done last week. This should cover both just in the wrong order, hope that makes sense to you all.
Alyssa Brown
I think your description of the studio was very well written. The descriptions of the heat and especially the smells really transported me to the place and time. Your description and interest of the tiny girl was beautiful. Beautiful not only for the portrayal of her but for the glimpse of you and your character. In your MaryLane piece I feel(with my very limited knowledge) the last paragraph could flow a little more smoothly with a little revision. Could possibly be made into two paragraphs each with a different subject, 1 her personality and 2 her sugar addiction. Very nice description overall though, it provided a lot of insight into a short piece.
Jesus Corona
Loved prompt 3 and your style in general. Everything is bopping along and the you throw in that hit of sadness or maby just realism. The suddenness and contrast makes the short statements about sadness, loneliness, and insecurity seem very large. I hope these feelings slide away in real life as quickly as they seem to in the story. I mungry, that's a truly funny and realistic exchange. "Nicole" is awesome, it makes me want to meet her and hang out with you both. You packed a lot of description into a small space, very effective. Whoa wait there was a part 2, what happened to all the cuteness, now were talking road rage and flaring nostrils. You are very good at manipulating, or evoking emotions. Your introduction is a little more staccato, and choppy. I want to complain about the transitions but I feel they are clipped intentionally kind of like Nicole part 2 so it would just be a personal preference thing not anything that needs revision, I'm pretty sure Prof Patel wouldn't approve of me asking you to make them all easier to read, make them all sweet and easy like Nicole 1. Great work man, your writing is very interesting and you obviously put good effort into it.
Lindsey Fraser
I enjoyed your intro and the obvious time and effort you put into it. The pictures definitely aid in the descriptions and the simple thoroughness of your post itself tells much about you and your attention to detail. I bet you have a very clean home and car and your dogs are well behaved, that's just the impression I get.My only observations, and I so hate to criticize but I feel that I have to pick on something to fulfill the assignment, is in the final paragraph. The sentence about applying to ASU and moving and the following sentence about Gem do not flow well. I feel with a little revision thew could read easier and better convey your point. I think it is an excellent job overall and appreciate the extent of the work involved in your post and entire blog.
Miranda Colony
"Kaileen Renee" was awesome. The description was extremely well written, informative and I feel you chose a great subject to write passionately about. I cant possibly critique "From the Beginning", I read it three times and am way to impressed by the beauty of your personality to possibly detect any grammatical or structural flaws. I hope that comment is not inappropriate, I don't mean to offend or overstep the bounds of Peer Review I was just touched by the content of your writing and want to compliment you on it. "But life is so beautiful that the nerves were continually excited regardless" , "joy rebounded" by a sidewalk crack or an ant, that is way cool.
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