Who am I? I don't know. I'm a 38 yr old college student, small business owner, father, son, friend when it serves my purpose. I'm a completely self absorbed, self seeking piece of shit most of the time. I do have my moments of goodness though, they generally involve the only thing that gives my life meaning, my beautiful 10yr old son, my golden child. Luckily he has a wonderful, stable, responsible, loving, kind, and generous mother because as fathers go "sorry about your luck kid". He loves me, he respects me, he even likes and enjoys my company. He really seems to be learning from my many mistakes which I share with him in an attempt to educate him in the only way I know how, learning from mistakes.
Who am I? I don't know. How do I describe myself without referencing other people and my relationship with them. What do I like, what are my hobbies, what are my goals? I don't know. Keep up the facade of functioning normalcy seems to be what I spend most of my time doing. Lying to others and trying to hide the misery, pain, anger and hopelessness that simmers behind my eyes most of my waking hours, can that be considered a hobby?
My goals, now those I can describe. Finding my place in this world, finding what makes me truly happy and at peace, discovering the true meaning to my life, that is my goal. Learning to ignore the bullshit that constantly bombards my senses from the commercialism and " great big festering neon distraction" that I live in. Stopping the constant turmoil inside my brain that comes from trying to conform to societies standards when these standards are in glaring direct conflict with my own personal standards. I don't care what brand of car I drive or how new it is, I care that it is reliable, comfortable, and that I got it for a fair price. But how will I ever get laid driving a 92 Ford when all the ladies seem to place so much importance on appearances and money. Who am I? " I'm a walking contradiction" that's who I am. I am the definition of ambivalence. I am a mind spinning out of control, chasing its tail until it collapses from exhaustion.
Who am I? I'm quick with a smile, a smart ass comment that is delivered with humor. I love natural beauty, animals, children laughing, and the humility of illegal immigrants. I will do anything to assist old people, stray dogs, single mothers and the handicapped. I'm honest and reliable, a valuable employee and teammate. I help coach a youth football team and attend parent teacher conferences. I tell my mother I love her and that life is grand. I give a friendly wave instead of the finger if you cut me off in traffic. Who am I? I'm a recovering drug addict, an arsonist, burglar, liar, pervert and thief. I'm that guy your parents warned you about. I'm a passive aggressive study in violence and revenge. I am hate and despair, I am "the chill that's in the air".
Who am I? I have no fucking idea?
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